To Love and to Lose
by Abberz the Awesome
Summary: "To living and loving, because there is no life without love. To loving and losing, may their souls rest in peace." Two men contemplate love. JIBBS, KIBBS, Shannon/Gibbs  SHIBBS? , and Ducky/OC. Oneshot. R/R?


**A/N:An 11 PM writing stint! Who-rah! This idea has been tumbling around in my head for a few months now, so I decided to write it down… JIBBS, KIBBS, Shannon/Gibbs (SHIBBS?), Ducky/OC Post Judgment Day.**

**Disclaimer: Do not own, do not make money, do not sue. Comprende? S****í****.**

To Love and to Lose

Leroy Jethro Gibbs thundered down to the autopsy room, kicking a cabinet before sitting down into the chair in the corner. He pulled out a bottle of whisky and poured himself a glass before settling back into the chair, trying to relax his tense muscles.

It had been a long, hellish week.

From the other side of the room Ducky finished washing his hands and walked over to him.

"Everything all right Jethro?"

Gibbs didn't respond, he just continued to stare at the floor in front of him. He poured himself a glass of whiskey as well and pulled up a chair.

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, before Gibbs spoke up.

"How many times have you fallen in love?"

The question hung in the air for a few seconds before Ducky, surprised, responded.

"I can only say once, I guess. A pretty young thing. Pamela. She died before I could work up the nerve to propose. Got hit by a car."

Ducky sighed, setting his glass down. He brought his fingers up to his eyes and wearily pinched the bridge of his nose.

"She was beautiful, so nice, and so smart. God I miss her."

He shook his head and picked up his glass again, downing the rest in one sip. He poured himself another glass and took a sip, also staring at the floor.

Gibbs swished the liquid in the glass and took another sip, moving his gaze to his feet.

They sat like that for another few minutes.

"Four times, Duck."

Gibbs spoke softly, barely a whisper, yet Ducky could hear it clearly in the silent room.

"Four times." Gibbs spoke again.

"Four times of what, Jethro?"

"Falling in love."

He sighed and took another sip.

"And I've lose 'em every time."

Gibbs downed the rest of his drink and poured another glass.

"Oh dear, Jethro. The ex-wives again?"

"Nope. Didn't love 'em. I just needed someone, I guess…"

They both simultaneously took sips of their drinks.

"Who, Jethro? Who?" Ducky softly eased Gibbs into speaking, hoping it would work.

"First was Shannon. We were young, she was beautiful. And so nice, I didn't deserve her. I was full of rage at the world, had just joined the Marines. We dated, I asked her daddy, he said yes, we got married, and Kelly was born. Sweet, beautiful Kelly."

Ducky sighed. To lose a child was the worst thing to happen to a man.

Gibbs continued. "The day I lost them, I got blown up. I came back home later and they told me what happened. I turned a gun to myself. Thought life wasn't worth it. Didn't have the guts to pull the trigger. Then I joined NCIS."

Another sip was taken and the doors to the autopsy room slid open, revealing Jimmy Palmer. He ran into the room and retrieved car keys off his desk and left quickly, not even noticing the two men in the corner.

Ducky spoke. "He'll be a good ME someday. Maybe even better that me."

He heard laughter from Jimmy as he met Abby down the hall and they entered the elevator together.

"So innocent…"

They remained silent for a few more minutes, before Gibbs spoke up again.

"The second time was Jenny, in Paris. She was so young, so energetic, fiery like her hair. The opposite of Shannon, really. Jen didn't want to settle down, she wanted to kick ass as an agent and climb the career ladder, so that's what she did. Left me a letter at the airport, sayin' she needed her job to progress. She chose her success over me. And I fell for her, she never loved me. Maybe she did, but we'll never know that."

He smiled wryly and another sip of whiskey left his cup.

"Not as good as bourbon."

Ducky nodded. He loved whiskey, but didn't dare say so.

And silence continued, before Gibbs said one word.

"Katie."

He looked at Ducky who looked back at him confused.

"It was wrong, I know. Me being so much older, her boss, and the coldest most distant bastard you ever laid eyes on. I never loved her like I loved Abby. Abby is a daughter to me, if Kate was my daughter and I lived her like I did I'm pretty sure I'd be in prison right now."

Gibbs smiled, looking at Ducky's shocked face.

"Surprised. I know… I was smitten ever since she threatened to shoot me. But I stuck by my guns and rule number 12. Then that bastard Ari killed her."

"And you killed Ari." Ducky supplied. Gibbs didn't respond.

"After she died, she haunted me. Said it was my fault she died. Said she took the bullet for me. So I hunted Ari down, and he died. My heart still broke."

They both downed their glasses and thought of Kate, her smile and her constant arguments with Tony.

"So if Tony asks, tell him I don't always go for the redheads."

Then they enjoyed the silence, the time to contemplate. Ducky took a hold of the situation and egged Gibbs on.

"And the fourth woman?"

"Oh there were only three women, but four times."

Ducky thought for a moment before saying, "Jennifer."

Gibbs nodded.

"After I got blown up again, I saw her and I remembered Paris and loving her. Making love to her. Being in love with her. All that time in Mexico made me think about her. Franks wanted to kill me. Said he didn't want me there if all I'd do was mope. So I came back, tried to get the courage to make things right. But for the last year, she'd been so distant. Now I know, because as of today, she's dead."

He chugged the last of his glass reaching for the bottle, only to discover that it was empty.

"Never fear," said Ducky. He got up and went into another cabinet pulling out another bottle. "For medicinal purposes, of course."

They each topped their glasses. Ducky made a toast.

"To living and loving, because there is no life without love. To loving and losing, may their souls rest in peace."

They clunked their glasses together and sighed.

_Who knows how long I've loved you,  
You know I love you still.  
Will I wait a lonely lifetime?  
If you want me to I will._

_-The Beatles_

**A/N: After writing this, I have to say I am quite proud of it. Probably my best yet. Check out my other stories?**

**R/R?**


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